In this post, I talk about planning my intrepid journey through Canada, from West to East Coast, on my way to Ireland, and being confronted head on with long-held insecurities along the way.
On 20th January 2024 my travel agent Michelle put two flights on hold for me- Brisbane to Vancouver, departing late May, and Toronto to Dublin, departing late June. I was nervous I hadn’t given myself enough time in Canada- now that I was going to be spending up to two weeks with Janine, that would only leave me two weeks to get to get from Vancouver to Toronto and go to all the places I wanted to visit in between. This would possibly include a few days in the States. I was thinking I would need two extra weeks, six in total in Canada. I wanted to leave myself enough time to get to a new place, settle in and have a rest day before launching into activities and sightseeing. I couldn’t be going non-stop for six weeks without a break. I didn’t want to feel rushed.
The flights would only be on hold for another day, and I was feeling the pressure to book, but I wanted to map out my journey first. Michelle had been so patient with me, and made lots of changes to my quotes. I felt like I should have contacted Janine before contacting Michelle, and worked out my travel plan before considering flights.
Chatting with Janine on Messenger, I spent an entire day mapping out in detail my journey through Canada, including visits to Vancouver, Banff, Calgary, Toronto, Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. I considered small trips to Seattle and Las Vegas, but ended up scrapping those ideas, as the trip timeline was blowing out to two months. I scratched Montreal and Quebec City too. I would fit them in if I had time.
At the end of the day, I took a long, leisurely walk on the beach. I never wanted to look at another map of Canada again. I felt overwhelmed by all the options before me. According to my plan, I had four months before I would leave.
During the process of this planning, I was being confronted head on with long-held insecurities around money. The thought of spending $3,000 at once on flights, and the cost of spending six weeks travelling through Canada, terrified me. What if this was not the best way to spend my payout money? What if I couldn’t find a job in Ireland? Would I have to come back to Australia, penniless with my tail between my legs? And if things didn’t work out in Ireland, would this place I loved so much be ruined for me?
These anxious thoughts and feelings kept replaying over in my mind and body. I felt like this was a deep dive into some shadow work around earning and spending money. This work was patiently waiting for me to surrender to it. To see that I would survive spending this big sum of money.
I asked myself why I held so much hesitancy around spending my payout money on travel. Did it come back to shame? What other people would think, that I should be doing something more ‘responsible’ with it?
Although I had been planning this trip for nearly a year, I hadn’t told my dad and stepmum. They were not big on travel themselves, and I worried that my grand adventure would worry them. I worried they would think I hadn’t made the right decision. That I should be studying and trying to get a better job. Even after all this time, and all the inner work I had already done, there was still an ashamed little girl living inside me.
I had been putting off telling them, but one day, it was sprung upon me. My aunty had found out about my travel plans from recent social media posts. Not knowing that my dad and stepmum didn’t know about my plans, she mentioned it to them. They called me up, and I nervously stumbled over my words, embarrassed about my hesitancy to share my trip with them. My plans were met with excitement and encouragement, and I felt foolish for thinking it would be any other way. We discussed selling my car. If I hadn’t managed to sell it before I left, he would continue to try to sell it on my behalf. This was a huge relief to me.
As it turned out, my fears were completely unjustified, and my dad and stepmum gave me their full support. Dad reassured me that I was making the right decision to take this trip, and it meant so much to me to hear that.
It was the 25th of January, and I had barely slept for three nights. I was exhausted all morning, nervously pacing before I finally sat down and paid for my flights. Once it was done, the fear melted away, and somehow I knew everything was going to be alright. Everything would fall into place over the next three months. I did not feel horrified by the decrease in my precious savings. I knew there would be people who wanted to buy my stuff on Marketplace. It was okay now, and it would continue to be okay.
Having taken the action of paying for my flights, for weeks afterward I felt much like I did when I broke up with my long-term partner G. When I was honest with myself and him about not wanting to have kids. It was an empowering decision to make and action to take, but speaking my truth had not felt as liberating as I had expected. My old life crumbled, and I felt rejected from people and placed I had known and loved for almost a decade.
Before booking the flights, I felt excited about the trip, but things hadn’t seem real. Now they were very real, and while I still felt excited, fear and worry were the most prominent emotions. I had 99 days before flying to Vancouver. 99 days left living with Cat and my beloved neighbours. 99 days left at my beloved job. I remembered when all these things started, and now they were ending, and I didn’t feel ready for it. In fact, I felt really sad about it. Excitement was replaced with low-key panic. My heart was torn between the deepest gratitude I’d every felt for the people and places in my life.
Kate Kelsen 