Last night I came down with a cervicogenic headache. The result of way too much time spent sitting at the computer over the past few weeks, putting unnecessary stress on myself to be productive with all this extra free time.
I recently finished typing the revised edition of my book Paid To Dance: Asha’s Story Part Two. After that, I finished typing up four new short stories, AND designed the eBook covers for them. Last weekend I finally reached a months-long goal of uploading my book The Wilted Rose to Kobo, and yesterday I also published The Wilted Rose to Google Play Books. I’ve also been working on my Irish psychological suspense novella.
When I get into this anxious-productive mode, my self-care drops, and so does my overall mental and emotional well-being. I have been finding it so hard to control the anxious thoughts dominating my mind and driving me to produce results. But then I remembered that these are just thoughts-my own thoughts, my own high standards. No-one else is placing these expectations on me. There is no external deadline being imposed on me. And I can just let these thoughts go.
There is a little resistance to letting them go, of course. But I let them go anyway. Over and over again, as many times as it takes for them to go away for good.
Last night during meditation, I feel like I finally let go of the expectation I’ve been placing on myself recently, to power through this revision and publishing process and be super productive during self isolation. I had a moment of clarity, where I realized I just didn’t want to this to myself anymore. I have reached this point before, and I am patiently remembering the lesson.
Right now I am being reminded that there is no rush. I am living life on my terms now, and don’t have to provide evidence of success in any specific period of time, or fit in with another person’s timeline, or prove the validity of my writing journey. I can walk this journey at my own pace for the rest of my life. There is no need to rush anything. This has been the biggest lesson isolation has delivered to me so far.